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by BRUCE MCCALL
[from the October 18, 2004 issue]
The following solicitation from the Republican Committee to Re-elect the President (GOP-CREEP) reached us by mistake.
Dear Friend of the President:
We head toward the November Presidential election in a time of global terrorism, a sputtering economy, everybody getting fat and nobody getting educated. But let's get serious. Come November, only money can safeguard an unbroken continuation of that vital balance of power between the Executive branch and the Executive branch's friends.
Invest in your future. Give till your stockholders and employees hurt. Contribute now to the 2004 Republican Presidential re-election campaign!
"It's fair to say that anybody who opposes the re-election of our President is a gutless weasel traitor!" --Fox News
PRIZES * PRIZES * PRIZES * PRIZES * PRIZES * PRIZES * PRIZES
You've learned from past donations that giving also means getting. Quid Pro Quo isn't the motto of the Committee to Re-elect the President for nothing! And this year, in return for your financial support, the prizes are more exciting and more valuable than ever:
• $1 billion: Invasion of the country of your choice by US forces*
• $500 million: Supreme Court reversal of the Scopes Trial verdict
• $250 million: Notes-free White House meeting on Administration policy toward your industry. P.S. Bring your friends!
• $125 million: Discuss a legal case with the Supreme Court Justice of your choice
• $75 million: Presidential support of the Death Sentence for Gay Marrieds bill--includes a speech by Attorney General John Ashcroft
• $50 million: Be CIA head for the day
• $25 million: Declare a Homeland Security Department Orange Alert
• $10 million: Pajama party (ladies only) with First Lady, Lincoln bedroom
• $5 million: Write President's Saturday radio address
• $1 million: Choice of "Bush 2004" coffee mug, tote bag or umbrella
* depending on availability
"Where's Joe McCarthy when our nation needs him?"
Join the 2004 Re-election Budget Brigade of pre-millionaire Republicans and select from among these unique thank-you gifts:
• $1,000: Giant Mission Accomplished display banner
• $500: 500 Wanted Dead or Alive Osama Bin Laden posters
• $250: Luncheon with Secretary of State Colin Powell
• $100: Lifting of any ten environmental regulations affecting your industry
• $50: Appointment as US Ambassador to France
• $1: Advance copy of latest official scientific report on global warming
* * *
Think that's it? You don't know the Republican Committee to Re-elect the President! Deliver your contribution in CASH (small bills, please!) and you'll receive a No-Strings Postdated Blanket Presidential Pardon--so you can finally enjoy peace of mind when you violate the law.
WE ACCEPT: BAHAMIAN CURRENCY ... PIGGYBANKS ... TRIPLE-ENDORSED CHECKS!
Pssst! Be A Phantom Donor!
Too shy or too culpable for out-in-the-open political giving? A senior Republican Party deniability expert will meet you in your nonreciprocity-treaty nation of exile or anyplace--anytime, anywhere--to receive your donation and guarantee anonymity!
Extra Bonus! Phantom Donors receive the coveted Kingdom of Saudi-Arabia "Secret Santa" Medal, awarded for exemplary tact in making unrecorded political donations!
Isn't the re-election of our President worth money that would otherwise just be gathering dust in some offshore bank account, corporate slush fund or buried strongbox? Let's review:
Your gift of more than $1.5 million in cash brings National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to your door for an inside personal briefing on what she didn't know about Iraq's WMDs and when she didn't know it (if she is able to recall)! For another $l million, "Condi" will smile!
Foil the Democrat terror coddlers and their "fair and square" election tricks. Your contribution to the Republican Committee to Re-elect the President will buy pre-tested voting machines...private detectives...personal political smears that look just like TV spots...an Iraqi government that listens--and much, much more!