Thursday, March 31, 2005

Expletive Deleted

Friends who know me well know that there is one thing I fear more than anything when I walk into a movie theater. Is it rawkous teenagers? No. Is it wildly screaming infants? No. Both of those can be avoided by simply choosing the appropriate time to watch a film. What I fear more than anything else is "Baby Boomers."

Why?

Simply put, they are the rudest and most obnoxious people to share a theater with.

I remember watching Magnolia back in the day. Two BBs were sitting in front of me when one of them yells to the person sitting next to them, "What does the reference to F---ing Exodus mean? And why are there all these G--d-mned frogs raining from the sky?"

Mind you these two people were talking about how cool and sophisticated they were before the film started. I just find it to be a general rule (untrue in particular instances as all general rules are), in my experience, that if BBs are in the hizzy I am going to have an interupted film experience.

Having said this, it was nice reading the most recent National Review Online piece by Cathy Seipp today. Discussing the recent clampdown by the FCC on profanity she states:



If one side effect is that public discourse fades to a slightly paler shade of blue — although so far I don't see any sign of this — that would be fine by me, and I don't think I'm generally considered a prude.


There is a great deal more to her column than the above quote suggests. In fact, two quotes in her article have begun to inspire me:



A few years ago, for instance, I noticed that my daughter, then about 12, had become bizarrely obsessed with counting the number of wheels on big trucks when we were out driving.



and



I suppose is at least better than the c-word, recently flung my way by a couple of old ladies in the venerable Los Angeles Farmers Market. (They were angry that I wouldn't let them appropriate a chair, which I needed, from my table.)

How did these quotes inspire me? Well...if you read my recent post The Estrich Who Wouln't die you would know that OCD counting is a trait shared by trained female assassins like Elektra: Assassin (You can read my review of the recent Elektra film here). Combine "Cecile's" obsessive tire counting with the verbal exchange in the LA Farmer's Market and you get...

Cathy Seipp in... Thrill Kill vol. 1!




OPEN WITH:

SETTING: a ROUND TABLE in the middle of BUSY FARMER'S MARKET

Sitting at the TABLE are:


CATHY SEIPP

In a tight yellow jumpsuit with black lines on the side ala GAME OF DEATH her blond hair short cropped and sharp enough to stab through SOLID STEEL WALLS.



CECILE DUBOIS

Dressed like Jet Li in FIST OF LEGEND, this bad@ss teen is counting aloud the number of CHAIR LEGS in the hectic MARKET.


LEWIS FEIN

Lounging next to CATHY dressed in his WORKOUT CLOTHES, they look appropriately used and LEWIS intends to use them...someday.


LEWIS:


I'm telling you, I don't know what excites me more...the fact that Matt Welch is having homoerotic fantasies about me or that Emmanuelle has finally come to see me as a sex object.


CATHY: (knowing LEWIS was kidding)

laughs sincerely...


CECILE: (has moved from chair legs to counting the legs of the patrons scurrying about)



ENTER...SUSAN ESTRICH a BAD ASS HOLLYWOOD B--CH whose fake breasts and surgically altered face hint at training in a secret NINJA DOJO and a strange looking MAN IN A TUXEDO carrying a TROLL DOLL


SUSAN ESTRICH

It is good to see that somewhere in Los Angeles the number of women writers outnumber the men! Will you F--king hurry up and leave so I can use your table to send emails to Alan Alda's wife about the Times editorial page?! How else am I going to form a "female writing force of exceptional maginitude?"


CATHY:

We just started eating and we want to discuss Cecile's upcoming SATs.

MAN IN TUXEDO:

You F--king liar. You and all your readers are libelous, slanderous, devils!

TROLL DOLL: (in man's hand)

Don't forget to say the word Jewish somewhere and don't forget to pimp our site www.cathyseipp.com. We reveal the TRUTH!

LEWIS

Am I going G--D--ned crazy or did I just see a doll talk?

CATHY

You just saw a troll doll talk.

CECILE

nods.

BAD ASS HOLLYWOOD B--CH

Look you c--- are you going to leave or what?!

CATHY

That's the last M----F--king inappropriate language I am going to listen to in front of my daughter.

CATHY gets up, pulls out a BIG ASS SAMURAI SWORD. CECILE jumps to her feet and starts whipping her FLYING GUILLOTINE around her head. SUSAN ESTRICH spins nunchucks in rapid style and BAD ASS HOLLYWOOD B--CH distorts her face awkwardly. Lewis sits looking bored.

KUNG FU ACTION ensues and after 15 minutes of blood spraying KUNG FU, GUN FU, WIRE FU, ANIME FU, ACTION, SUSAN ESTRICH has been cut in half...BAD ASS HOLLYWOOD B--CH is lying on the ground armless and writing in her own blood...MAN IN TUXEDO staggers away... headless... holding in his hand a headless TROLL DOLL. Blood is still spraying from TUXEDO man's neck. CECILE pulls MAN IN TUXEDO's head out of the bag of her FLYING GUILLOTINE.

CUT TO:
LEWIS (sitting stunned):

Damn you got blood all over my workout clothes now I won't be able to make the gym today! So much for New Year's Resolutions!

If you don't like what I just wrote you can destroy it using the tools at Netdisaster.
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